May Burst if I Don't Start the Flow Again

I'm finally ready to start writing again.
It will more than likely end up being nonsensical rants, and half-formed thoughts that jump all over the place. Jumping bean thoughts!

Regardless, I have the pressing urge to write, and don't feel entirely comfortable with any of the outlets I've resorted to in the past.
And so on with it.

There are days when I feel I've become perfectly lucid, and am in harmony with the reality I have built for myself. I see, and feel clearly. When I turn my gaze or thoughts to something, it's effortlessly in focus, and I'm satisfied with my view of it. These days may stretch into weeks, or stand on their own. I'm ecstatic to be alive, whole, and aware of how fortunate I am.
I will roar with laughter and mirth, shake my hair out and feel that I could explode with love for everyone who smiles and laughs with me.
These stretches are more frequent, and last longer now than they ever have before in my life. I know I am blessed. (Assuming of course that as a small child I was not aware of any alternative view of the world, and operated in this state of constant ebullience day in and day out.)

Usually how they will begin to come down is with a single, seemingly irreverent thought. Today that process began with "Is this mania? Clinically?"
After which my thought process becomes less crystalline, and I slowly start to notice I'm straining to focus - like when you play around with a manual focus camera, and can't seem to quite find the right spot.
I start to doubt how I feel and what my place is in my own life. Did I make the right choice? Did I fully explore every avenue open to me? Do I stay true to my sense of child and wonder? Do I strive as hard as I can to be as honest and open with everyone in my life?
I'm right smack in the middle of that right now. And I'm hoping that by writing this all down, and reflecting on it I can start to solve the puzzle of emotions I feel. It would be foolish to assume I will one day fully come to terms with what really makes me tick - for some reason I feel as though that would somehow lead to no longer learning from my mistakes - but I do appreciate how I feel when I unlock some half-buried thought that has been gnawing at me and can really turn it over and over in my mind exploring it.

I don't think it's working Herr Doktor, I feel more confused now than when I began. And that I'm not really saying what I wanted to say.

Well, it's a start.