Epiphany

Relating to how I feel about myself.
Relating to why I feel the way I do, and relating to why I've been doing what I've been doing.
A lot of guilt, and masochism in there, kids.
A theory - I'm engaging in completely emotionally uninvolved relationships, and pushing away anyone looking for more, because I don't feel I deserve more, after what I did.
And what did I do, exactly?
I hurt someone that I love very much, and hurt myself, because I felt I'd exhausted all other options available to me.
Sometimes I wonder if I tried hard enough to see all those options?
I know he refused to see any option other than being right, which inherently lead to me being wrong. I'd be willing to accept being wrong, if I could be met halfway on the blame.
Oh well.
So now I shy away from nice boys and girls, because I'm worried that I play too rough. I find someone else who has teeth as sharp as mine.
I parry and thrust with inane witty banter, and my hips.
If that's the most I can ask for an emotional connection for right now, I'm at least more comfortable with knowing what's driving it.
I sound incredibly cliched to myself right now, but I think I'll stop giving a fuck about that.
(so what if I'm not a unique godamn snowflake?)